I remember back in high school a lot of my friends and I enjoyed the book, He’s just not that into you, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. One part that always stuck out to me was the author’s point about “not wasting the pretty”. In other words, if someone wasn’t truly interested in having a romantic relationship with you, then don’t waste your time!! This can be much easier said than done for a lot of people! I have had many clients (and friends) throughout the years that have had their own struggles with disappointment and heartache from either a relationship that never truly started, or some serious heartache after a breakup. I have decided to share a little about my history with this… simply to show that I have had to go through a lot of life lessons to get to where I am today. My hope is that through sharing this piece of me, the memories I have will not haunt me as much. There is power in sharing and power in realizing your own strength after something major like a breakup. Everyone is different. Not one thing will work for everyone… not one piece of advice will completely change how you view the break up, or randomly make you feel a million times better in this moment. However, I know the more that I researched things around gaslighting and narcissism, the more I came to understand my role in that relationship, and more importantly, what I didn’t want in the next one!

So to get us started on this path of self-discovery… I didn’t include the 3 of Swords with my “333 the Spiritual” because it typically indicates heartaches, sadness and grief. You can easily see this in some of the artistry in any tarot deck. The 3 of Swords in the traditional Rider-Waite deck is a heart with three swords piercing right through it. Clearly not the most optimistic or joyful imagery! I am only sharing this post in hopes of helping anyone who may be experiencing a recent heartbreak… or one that seems to want to linger. I could quickly go into how to make you feel better… talk to a friend, family member, trusted clergy or doctor, mental health professional… the list goes on. You can take a hot bath or put on some makeup and go out with some friends, try and pick up someone new (even if only for a night). However this doesn’t stop the haunting of the old energies, the old wounds, the old pains… there are times when I still want to yell and scream and wish I could just slap my ex across the face! He was not a kind person by the time we broke up in 2019/2020. I remember the day he kind of told me he was done with the marriage… he was up late on his phone (not being honest with me about who he was messaging)… and somehow I composed myself enough to ask him if he still wanted to be married. And I remember him saying he “didn’t know”. I just remember crying and standing beside this post in the middle of the floor (we lived in a basement suite)… and he came to hug me. All I could think was don’t hug me, don’t touch me… don’t be near me. Like why bother trying to console me if you’re wanting to leave?!

Advance forward some months and him still trying to come around.. claiming he missed the dogs… I remember sitting next to him on the couch and trying to hold his hand just to see how it would feel. It felt like hot fire!! All I could see were flames and heat coming from his hand… I did not want to hold it!

To say he hurt me is an understatement. He was my first boyfriend… so when the marriage ended I was not only experiencing the consequences of a divorce, but also my first real break up as well. To be clear here… he was never physical when it came to the ways he tortured my spirit. He did a lot of gaslighting, a lot of lying and a lot of blaming. I lost my self-esteem and who I was with him. When the time came to eventually file for the divorce it was left to me to do it all. I found a lawyer and cut off communication with him. My mom was very giving and kind and she paid for the divorce (and I have thankfully been able to pay her back).

I remember packing up the rest of his belongings and having a couple of friends over plus my mom… and me having a meltdown and just needing to sit on the floor and cry. I couldn’t stand or breathe… I was an absolute mess! I honestly thought my world was over. I had given up my social work job, was going through several medical appointments and dealing with the stress of disability insurance paperwork plus still working with my car accident lawyer. On top of all that… covid hit. So my mom stayed with me for almost 3 weeks and made sure I got out of bed, ate and my dogs were looked after (I still took care of them but having her there helped me feel less alone and safe. I have a history of major depression and used to cut myself in high school when I became too overwhelmed by life in general. By having her there I was less afraid that I would attempt any self-harm). After about 3 weeks I did have her go back to her home because I felt I needed more space to cry and start healing on my own. There were days where I would literally crawl out of bed just to let the dogs out in the yard and feed them… and then crawl back to bed. It was awful! There were nights where I’d wake up and realize he was no longer next to me in bed and never would be again… I wanted to keep sleeping because I was waking into a nightmare reality.

There is a lot more that I could share and maybe one day will… but this post is not all about those horrible memories or those awful, awful feelings. The point I am trying to make in sharing this is again, during a reading, if I say I understand… I really mean it!! I have been through some shit… some of my own “choosing”, and some that seems to just be the hand I’ve been dealt at the time. I am here to say that if you find a purpose in those hard times… if you use it as fuel to get up and become a stronger, more self-sufficient, understanding and compassionate human… then you are truly amazing and deserve to be celebrated!! Below I have shared some tips and tricks for what I found helpful and useful during that time. I hope that these help you too, and you know that you, yes YOU!…. You are LOVED. You are LOVING. You are LOVABLE. (Please repeat that to yourself as many times as you need each and every day until you truly believe it yourself). As kind as my family and friends were at the time, I still had to be with myself… my own body, brain and spirit… alone, at night especially. Those were the hardest times of the day because I couldn’t distract myself as easily. I found ways to calm myself before bed. When my dogs were sleeping comfortably beside me at the end of the day, it was late and I felt like the world was quiet… I could finally relax, rest and sleep. (and yes I say dogs because at that time I had another dog, Frankie. I will talk about it him more in another post… sadly I had to put him to his final sleep back in Sept 2022).

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Anyways… enough of the sad stuff!! Here’s my list:

• Music! I loved listening to anything that talked about a break up and/or just feeling empowered by the song. Some songs that I listened to on repeat included, “You don’t Own Me” by Leslie Gore, “He Wasn’t Man Enough for Me” by Toni Braxton, “I’m Good” by Blaque, “Black Widow” by Iggy Azalea, “It’s Not Right, But It’s Okay” by Whitney Houston, and “I Love Myself Today” by Bif Naked. There was a lot more!! But what I did with these songs is I would write out either all or part of the lyrics and then tape those pieces of paper around my bedroom. It became like a bubble for me so anywhere I looked I could be reminded of positive affirmations… but because they were songs I enjoyed it was easier for me to remember the words and really let the vibrations of those lyrics sink in! They basically became daily anthems for me.

• the (dreaded) pole… This darn thing was right smack in the middle of my living room and I hated looking at it because then I would quickly be reminded of the night he “sort of” wanted to end the marriage. So I decided to pretty it up! I added wall decorations around it. I put butterflies and inspirational quotes around it… so no matter what angel I looked at it there was something positive to see. (I received lots of compliments on this whenever someone came over, too!)

• Wildflower Spell to Heal from Heartache… this is a spell I read in a little book called “the Daily Spell Journal” by Patti Wigington. I didn’t do exactly as the spell was to be done, as directed in the book, but here’s how it goes…
  • My heart was broken, but the pain does not define me. My soul was wounded, but the hurt will not stop me. My spirit was damaged, but the ache does not limit me. I have love and lost, and now I will live again.
  • I wrote this out on a small piece of paper and then taped it up in my shower, just behind the shower head. This way I would bathe and wash my hair, letting the water run over me, I would repeat this over and over. In doing this, I felt like the water was cleansing my tears and spirit and the words were something to focus on, hold onto, and release the pain.
• Dancing! OMG this is underrated! Especially if/when feeling less sexy or attractive it is so much fun to let down your hair and listen to some upbeat music. I used to take salsa dancing with a friend in university so I still very much enjoy music by Shakira and Daddy Yankee. These are some artists I listen to when needing some good beats to just get in a good, happy groove. :0)
• Okay, so if you are feeling the need to text or call an ex… try leaving your phone in a separate room. Or start texting different friends or family members. The main goal here is to not message the ex. (Also try not to rely solely on one person for comfort. Don’t want to burn out your supporters).
• Get involved with your community. Or learn a new skill. (I started volunteering at my local crystal store and started getting more into tarot).
• Get outside and enjoy nature. Go for a walk around the block. (And if need be, put some music on and listen with your headphones. Point is to get moving).
• Write out reasons why you don’t like your ex, or reasons why they’re not good for you! (The point here is not why you weren’t enough for them… but why they aren’t good for you). My mom actually encouraged this one while she was living with me. We wrote more than two full pages of nasty, mean words could call him just to release some anger. I then literally taped these pages up on my hallway walls so every time I passed them I was easily and quickly reminded why I should not give a damn about him! (And therefore not continue letting him take up free space in my head). Also… this was a good reminder for me that I didn’t need to worry about him hating me or being mad with me… this took a long time for me to come around to as a way of thinking and accepting the break up. I didn’t need to focus on his feelings, just my own.
• I watched a lot of Youtube videos on tarot pick-a-card readings, as well as did some research on narcissistic behaviours (I have included some information and links below). I found this to be helpful because I was tired of feeling like I was the complete fault and reason for the breakdown in the marriage… and that I was a “bad person” in some way.
• I was not wanting to eat at all! So I made smoothies and soups. Remember to be gentle with your body!! Eat things that bring comfort but that also bring nutrition. This can be hard for people watching you go through the break-up… because they want to see you happy and healthy. It’s like you’re sick with a cold… you need some time to heal! I also worked with a nutritionist during this time.
• I spoke with counsellors and had regular follow ups with my family doctor.
• I started listening to morning affirmations, doodled a lot and tried to get my creative energies going again. I did lots of crafts!
• I watched “90 day fiance” every Sunday night! It became something fun to look forward to every week… and I would prepare myself a nice dinner to sit down and enjoy while watching my show.
• I was doing anything and everything I could think of to put the focus back on myself and give the love and attention to me, myself and I… as selfish as that may sound, that is exactly what I needed at that time. The more I gave to myself the happier I became, and then eventually, slowly… I was able to offer my energies again to other people who were more deserving.

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Below are some links and quotes that I found very helpful at that time… and continue to use some to this day. I have also included a Ted Talk on Healthy Relationships. (It is an older video however I still think the speaker’s points are valid). Of course this is only meant as a starting point for anyone wanting to do their own research and dive more into understanding relationships… plus maybe can help someone else out should they be struggling through a break-up. My apologies for this post being slightly all over and even a bit sad… but there’s something in me that is pushing me to share this (like share this now!), so I may post this today, Thursday, instead of waiting until my usual Friday posting day. I do feel like a huge weight has been taken off of me by writing all this out… like I don’t have to hold on to those memories as much. There’s power in sharing one’s story… it gives a voice to the person who experienced it, but also power and strength to whomever is reading it. You are my witness that I have lived and struggled, but also a witness to my victories with overcoming that whole situation and learning to love myself again, and finding more peace with my past. So thank you!

Ok… here’s the links:

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/example-of-narcissistic-behavior

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/14-signs-of-narcissism

https://www.delish.com/food-news/news/a53291/science-broken-heart-not-eating/

https://www.psycom.net/personality-disorders/narcissistic

teachingsexualhealth.ca

https://www.verywellmind.com/is-someone-gaslighting-you-4147470

https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/what-is-gaslighting/

https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/guides-and-publications/tips-for-building-healthy-relationships-with-your-teenagers

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-Below is Ted Talk on Healthy Romantic Relationships-

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Below are some images of quote and/or affirmations I found helpful:

Another favourite quote… that I printed out and kept by my front door for almost 2 years, is…

I love that quote! By having it at my front door, I could see it every time I came into the house and left. It made me feel stronger. Below I have included three cards from the Faerie Guidance Oracle deck. Please feel free to meditate on them and see what your spirit guides have to say to you today.

With lots of gratitude, love and light,

Brandy Marie :0)