(original journal entry: July 22, 2019)

Which do you find harder to deal with: being told a few days in advance of something coming, or being told a few hours before? Examples could be typical tasks like having to give a presentation, or book the car in, take your pet to the vet, or go and get blood work done. It could also include preparing to go on an airplane or starting a new job. Either way these examples could bring up a lot of anxiety and I am curious if others are like me where you keep thinking about the upcoming task or event and basically exhaust yourself if you have too much time to “prepare”. However, having your boss come to you an hour before a presentation is due and expecting you to just get it together and be ready can definitely cause a huge spike on the anxiety meter.

I remember when I worked as an instructor for a private college and felt terrified teaching the first couple of classes! I would try and prepare my notes and gather some YouTube clips to share (in order to eat some time, plus offer me a break in talking, haha!). I realized after those classes though that sometimes you can’t prepare for every possible situation and end up having to go with the flow anyways. Sometimes the students hadn’t read the chapter before class so the notes I made needed to be added to last minute to back up so everyone was on the same page. Other times I found I would make up some games to play to try and get the topic across better. I found I actually had more fun going in with some preparations (like some notes) and just allowing for the students to help guide that evening’s class a little more through various questions. This actually lead to some really good learning opportunities and discussions!

I also remember working as a private tutor and one mom would not tell her son in advance if she was going grocery shopping while I was to do homework with him. This wouldn’t happen often, but I did understand her reasoning for telling him once I was already there and we were settled into our work space. This gave him little time to react or have his anxiety build up. He would simply be told she was going out for an hour and to keep working with me. He didn’t like it but would settle rather quickly and focus back on his work. Plus, if she had told him earlier in the day of this plan he would want to try and coax his mom to stay. So sometimes “springing” information on someone is actually the kinder, more calmer approach.

What do you think? Do you prefer having hours or even days to mull over every possible outcome? Or do you do better with less time for your anxiety monster to yell and have an absolute fit? In the end, you still have to do that task. When I was in high school I would painfully practice my speeches for English class. I would do this for about a week before the presentation day and by the time I got up in front of the class I could usually know the speech so well I didn’t need my cue cards. However, the downfall was I usually didn’t add very much emotion and was monotone for most of the speech because my brain was just so tired from getting ready. I would also stress about upcoming exams and would not sleep well a lot of times before a big exam the next day, which is not so awesome considering you kind of want all your brain power to get all the information down on your paper after working so hard to remember it. Other times I would feel just fine leading up to the exam, until I was actually sitting in class with the questions in front of me. Some of those times I would spend the first few minutes of the exam having an argument in my head over how I was going to fail because I was almost too confident about it and should have panicked earlier, as if that would have made me feel better!

There really is no good time for anxiety to come poking around. In fact, lately mine has been a bit of a pain and making me feel like I’m buzzing with negative energy that I need to shake. I worry about upcoming events and start thinking of what I will wear, how I will respond to people’s questions about how I’m doing, and then just feel exhausted and want to hide. So I have started to get on my computer and write, or go for a walk with the dogs, or even clean my house. Whatever I can do to release some of the energy and negative thoughts. It may not stop them completely but at least I don’t feel like a prisoner of my anxiety and just remain in bed, not moving, and in a state of pure stress. What the hell good use of my time is that?

(Anyway, this post has become longer than originally planned… oops! Just a random thought that has come out of me knowing I am going back to work soon and feeling anxious about the expectations that will be placed on me.)

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August 2023 update:

I continue to stress about what to wear and if I am going to be in a new situation with new people… will they like me, or will they think I’m weird? This generally makes me late… which means I get into an even bigger stress ball because now not only am I late, but could also be making my partner late too (which increases his anxiety!) There are also times when I come home from being with a group of people (even if I know them)… wondering if I spoke too much or too little… did they find me stand off-ish, when really I was just trying to cope with a migraine. I do try and work with my guides to clear my energy but can have almost OCD tendencies with repetitive negative or intrusive thoughts. This is what I mean about anxiety… it ebbs and flows but doesn’t exactly go away. I am still working on giving myself permission some days to just relax and enjoy not having to be somewhere or run to an appointment. Those days can be really nice and helpful for an energy charge. Other days it only allows for the anxiety gremlins to come in more… to come whispering and sharing their ugly negativity. I have to remind myself to get my body moving, to pet Sammy, to colour and doodle, to sit and write on my blog… otherwise I am likely to slip back into past habits and want to hide under the covers. I do enjoy watching YouTube makeup videos and silly cartoons… but I don’t want to only be doing that. If I have a “down day” so I can recharge my battery then okay, but I don’t want one day to turn into two, into three, etc. If that were to happen I already know my body would find other ways to reject me and migraines would increase, my sleep would be negatively impacted and my mood would decrease even more.

So today seems to be one of those days… I am tired from a busy weekend and doing a couple readings yesterday but I do not want to just sit and let my mind take over. My plan is to work on my blog, exercise some and hopefully relax… so any “buzzy” energy around me calms down. Not much else to add… hope whoever is reading this can have a relaxing and calm day too.

As always,

Hugs!

Brandy Marie