(original post/ journal entry: January 9, 2021)

Sometimes I wonder what people think when seeing someone who is going through an anxious moment. Do they think the person is over-exaggerating and trying to get attention? Or do they think the person is clinically crazy? What lens does each person use to measure someone else’s level of anxiety? Is one more “correct” or “better” than another? I have used anxiety measuring tools as a social worker before and the questions on those sheets can seem a bit silly at times, depending on when the questionnaire is given to a client. I think it is also very important that the tools are not used as the be-all-and-end-all when it comes to determining how anxious a person is feeling in that moment. Because even though a lot of anxiety tools do ask for the person answering to consider how they’ve felt over the past 2 weeks, the person is typically viewing those 2 weeks as either really intense or okay, depending on how feeling in their current moment. Humans also typically remember more upsetting times than happier ones… so unless a happy moment really stands out from those past couple weeks, the individual responding may be having a hard time seeing the “reality” of that 2-week period. I also want to make note of the word “reality”- reality is what is going on from an individual perspective. There may be 4 people that are at a Christmas dinner and all experience it differently depending on their current mood, what they’re eating, the conversation around them, the feelings they had going into the dinner… lots of things that cluster f*ck in the brain before we really sit and grasp our current “reality”. There is also the wonderful desire to jump from 1 thought to another very quickly when experiencing an anxious period. I have had my fair share of “moments” and have witnessed clients, family members and friends while they’re tackling the little fireworks going off in their brains because anxiety has taken hold and just keeps spinning. It is exhausting! Whether you are the one experiencing the moment or just standing witness to it, it can be overwhelming, tiring and sometimes frightening. But sometimes, if lucky… and these can be very hard to come by… but the anxious person and the witness have a bond and can connect and find something to smile or laugh about which eases the discomfort and pain both are feeling at that time. So below I have just a fragment of what I go through when posting on this blog… I haven’t edited it very much so you can get a better glimpse as to how the thoughts jump but do connect (I think!). Hopefully it makes sense! And hopefully you can see yourself a little bit in these phrases and moments… and find a space to smile, if not at yourself, than at me. ;0)  I can’t always “control” my anxiety or calm myself down. A lot of times I do need to lean on a friend or my mom (or now my boyfriend), for support and be talked through the thoughts I am having and the emotions that come with it. It is also helpful to have the doctors I do and the team I have built around me to help me cope and get better. Otherwise I fear the thoughts will get bigger and louder and they will take over my body- and at times they do with a full on attack.

I do get physical symptoms with sweating, and swearing, and my voice gets louder and faster. And then the crying comes in with the shaking body because my entire inner world is on fire, but I also feel cold and tight and can’t breathe… I can’t ever pretend to know how everyone experiences anxiety or pretend that there is one guaranteed approach to make things feel better and have a better way to cope. I can only highlight my experiences and provide insight as to what I’ve seen, heard and felt. I would never want to diminish what another goes through by saying that person is “crazy” or “over-exaggerating” their symptoms because all this does is causes the person living in that anxious moment to feel worse, to feel misunderstood, to feel like an outcast and become more fearful of their own body and mind. And no one can outrun their own mind. Hell, it’s scarier than Freddy Krueger! So I guess please be mindful about what you say to yourself and to others. I know I am not always on my A-game and can be unkind with my words too… but this blog does help remind me of coping strategies and gives me an outlet to share so I don’t feel alone and isolated. That is how we make anxiety our little b*tch! So good luck to all of you this week… please share in the comments any strategies you use, or cycling thoughts you have experienced because I promise you, I am sure someone else has thought them too. Sending big hugs to all!!

So without any further ramblings… here is a glimpse into my swirling, sometimes obnoxious, bratty gremlin mind. ;0)

My thoughts begin… anxiety around the names for blogs… 

… worries about how blogs are set up… can I keep up with a schedule on a consistent basis? Will I be able to continue coming up with new ideas? Will people like them and relate to the topics? Is this even useful information? …

… Haters gonna hate!… F*ck it! Just do it… You’ve been toying with this idea for so long. You feel good sharing your experiences and knowing you’re not alone with the thoughts, feelings, emotions… sweat… omg hate the sweaty palms! Wish that shit would go away! LOL…

… I’m amazed at other people’s bravery posting things to social media. Then again question if most people are just in it for the spotlight? (Like Moira on Schitt’s Creek said, “Social media is a playground for clinical narcissists.” Hahaha!) I don’t think I’m a narcissist… not even close… but will I be perceived like that? Should that matter… what is the point of this blog again? Right, right right… no idea! Just feeling called to do this and see from there…

… I try to respect other’s opinions. Share ideas, encourage and support. I am wanting to create a positive community… why shouldn’t I try my hand at this whole blog thing? Who knows what will come from it … but I do know absolutely nothing will happen or change (in my life or the world for that matter), unless I try… you just never know unless you try…

… Wish fulfillment… had sent something into Chicken Soup for the Soul last year. Felt amazing just submitting my poems. (Don’t believe any got published but that’s not the point here). I have always had a dream of being published in something like that. At least I am going for my dreams now…  and I missed writing in general. (I used to love it as a kid. Short stories and poems… especially having very different styles of writing as compared to 2 high school friends… creative writing class in high school was my jam!) I have always found it easier to express my voice through the written word than to speak it. Maybe that’s why I get so anxious at times and people have a hard time following my train of thought… but my goodness does it ever feel good when meet someone who is a similar speed and just shares a laugh when I pause mid-thought and ask, “What was I talking about”? LOL! Those are my peeps, my crew, my soul tribe!…

… Maybe I should take this whole blog down? How many spelling errors, or grammatical ones did I use? I do enjoy writing though. It’s my way of reaching out to my friends… strangers are just friends we haven’t met yet, too. It’s my way of staying connected with people, especially during these trying times…

… I also enjoy sharing information. That’s why I became a social worker in the first place! I wanted to help people and to make them feel empowered. I can’t be doing that if I can’t “walk the walk”. But holy crap can some people make that hard to do! And not have my struggles be turned into their need for being “right” on how to approach a situation… like wtf!?!…

… Are people going to think my topics are too superficial because I don’t typically discuss politics? The point of this blog is to distract and re-focus on what can control in a person’s own life. I really seem to keep bringing things back to that…

… There is so much down time with current state of the world, maybe I should learn a new skill? Or plan a new year’s resolution (little late, but still counts if make it in January, right?!) Can consider doing 1 thing that scares me (like 1x/month). Maybe driving a little further out of my comfort zone? Or trying to do a live tarot reading? …

… Ok now I am just tired and feeling a little hungry. People are going to think I am hyper-active. FML… whatever! Plus I can swear a lot… interesting… don’t always mean to but if this is to show my rambles, then I guess I best be “authentic”… ok, I am done with this now. Quick edit and then publish… and then hopefully leave it alone and not come back to edit because that would defeat the purpose of this exercise… which I did find a little therapeutic. Don’t feel as “nutty” as I did at the beginning of this ramble… hopefully others will find it useful too. And if not… well, haters gonna hate, and I’m gonna keep on, keepin’ on… (because apparently I like cliches today!)…

xx
Brandy Marie

————————————————————————————-

2023 update: Well this sure was amusing to re-read! Unfortunately I no longer have the medical team I was working with before… due to doctors moving provinces and not working with previous counsellors anymore. That is one thing I feel the need to stress… when working with a counsellor, therapist, social worker, psychiatrist, psychologist, acupuncturist, whichever… best to find someone that you have a good and comfortable connection with so can be open and work on treatment from there. Also, in my experience anyways, I have had to find new counsellors over the years because of different situations I am needing help with and where I am at with my spiritual journey too. So please find someone that works well with you and for you!! In addition, I find a lot of the “work” is more like homework… it involves meditation, daily exercise/stretches, finding something to smile and laugh about, eating well… all these things play into overall mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health. Some days, weeks, even months are better… and some I need to pay more attention to my body. It’s like ping-pong to me… as if I’m the paddles trying to keep the ball (which is different people and situations in my life), and I’m trying to keep everything staying on the playing table and balanced. It takes energy, time and effort to keep the game going. The ball will not always “co-operate” and stay on the playing area… especially if I am distracted or depleted in energy. This makes it much harder to keep playing the game.

Another example of why this was an important re-read for me… I still struggle daily with driving and try very hard to stay close to home. I also need “rest days” to recharge my energies. I am absolutely by no means saying I am clear of anxiety, of the mental and physical frustrations that come with it either. What I am saying is I am proud of myself for getting this blog up and going… of sticking with the schedule (somewhat) by getting two new posts up per week (sometimes three!) I have also started doing private readings… sometimes even in small groups. So for me that’s amazing and will give myself a pat on the back here! :0)

The main take-away for me is this… in the original blog post I compared anxiety to Freddy Kruger… simply because at that time I had very little days where I could “run away” or escape from my anxieties. Just like with Freddy Kruger, the minute I fell asleep I would be in a horrible nightmare and this turned into insomnia. It is impossible to run away from one’s own brain! So it becomes very frightening and frustrating when feel like your own brain and body are attacking you! I do not like feeling that Freddy is trying to silence me…

I do find this is getting better… but that’s because I am still exploring things that help me cope, while working on my daily activities (which some need to get back into more), in order to better handle when a stressful situation arrises. By re-reading the above post I can remember how bad some days really were, and I am extremely grateful that those have become less. My anxiety will never fully go away, but I am finding more ways that I can organize my days to make it a little easier. So my wish for those reading this… I hope you can look back on some of your bad days and pat yourselves on the back for surviving them. If you are not thriving yet, you will! Consider where you were even a year ago… what fears have you been able to conquer or even lessen?? Please keep reminding yourselves that not every day is the same… you do not have to live in a loop! Do not let your anxieties become your version of Freddy Kruger!

One activity I have come to enjoy when anxious, frustrated… or just for sheer amusement… playing a video game!! In this video world, you can make Anxiety as the computer character while you feverishly “button-mash”, so you’re character can stay on their feet. A game that I enjoy playing with my boyfriend is the Dragon Ball Z video game (very similar to old school Mortal Kombat). I like picking a rather large, and muscular character called Broly, a shown below.

I like playing as Broly because to me he embodies strength and power, and has such strong energies around him to defeat his opponents. (Now to be fair here, my boyfriend is the Dargon Ball Z fan so my apologies as I do not know all the backgrounds of the characters! But what I can say is Broly is a fun character to play and can channel my frustrations of the day into this character and have fun mashing buttons to get him to kick, punch and jump). There is some therapy to video gaming, at least once in awhile. ;0) It provides an opportunity to put my feelings of stress, frustration, even anger into an outside character that I can “fight” and have an opportunity to “win”. It gives a sense of control and like you’re defeating your own enemies or “demons”, even if only temporarily.

I hope this post was somewhat helpful, or at least entertaining to read. I do send you peace and relaxing vibes… and do hope you find something to smile and laugh about today!! :0)

Take care,

Brandy Marie