(original journal entry/ blog post from December 2020. Update from 2023 noted at bottom of post).

*Please note some colourful language is used, LOL!*

This year has been very hard for many people. I had taken time away from blogging due to my own anxieties and depression following a breakdown in my (then) marriage. I did not feel like sharing this loss and grief with too many people and feel extremely grateful for those who have supported me and picked me up during my lowest moments. So to those people I send a heartfelt thank you! I have decided to come back to this blog in hopes that my journey may help others who are feeling low, lost, frustrated and/or scared. This blog will remain more focused on the experiences of anxiety I go through, as well as some techniques I pick up along the way. I will do my best to keep posts as light-hearted as I can, as this is not meant to suck others into a deep, dark hole of despair. We should all be here to try and brighten each other’s day when we can. There will be times some of us need to lean on another for support and times when we can offer a shoulder for another to cry on. I encourage those reading this blog to reach out to a friend, family or counsellor whenever feeling really low or like you just can’t stop the spinning thoughts. I am also going to start incorporating some tarot cards into some posts as I found learning to read tarot, and of course binge-watching tarot pick-a-card readings on YouTube, to be quite healing. Whatever makes you smile, right?! So without further introduction to my extremely delayed “return”… here is my post for today.

Anxiety is a fickle bastard! He/She/It… tries to isolate, separate and dominate. It uses our own fears against us but times a million. At times, my anxiety monster feels like fear mixed with a high dose of ADHD. It can make me feel hyper, sweaty, scared, and easily lose focus and direction. Just all around an annoying pain in the ass, know-it-all, little shit! He tries to take over my thoughts and manipulate my emotions into making me a mini tornado of frustration and exhaustion. For example, I like sleep. Sleep is my friend! Sleep allows me time to rest, renew, rejuvenate (any other ‘R’ words, feel free to insert)… Point is, sleep is important for physical, mental and emotional health and stability. It helps protect and strengthen our bodies. Without sleep it becomes very difficult to self-regulate. But does Mr. Anxiety care about Ms. Sleep? Hell no! Mr. Anxiety wants to pick a fight every night with Ms. Sleep. Why? Because Mr. Anxiety is a straight-up, Grade A asshole! Now this may sound a wee-bit aggressive, but sometimes when dealing with anxiety you really do need to stand taller than him and tell him to f*ck off! That can be extremely hard when tossing and turning at night, or if suddenly slammed awake, thrown into a panic by some repetitive, random thoughts. Anxiety does not give a rat’s ass what time of day or night it is, what situation you’re in, your surroundings or who you are with at that moment. Mr. Anxiety only cares about causing you trouble and will get louder if you simply try to ignore him. 

So, with all that said, here is an idea that’s come up recently through books I’ve been reading and a chat with my hypnotherapist. Call your anxiety out. Call it by its name. Then have a conversation with it and tell him to get the f*ck out (or at least, very politely, ask him to quiet down so you can get 5 more minutes of sleep. Or the chance to pay attention to your friend, or enjoy your damn TV show).

Here is what I did with mine…

Dear Anxiety,

You scare me. I don’t always know when you will pop up or how aggressive you will be from 1 moment to the next. I feel as though you want to control me, to possess me, to make me your captive, your victim, your “play-thing”. I feel as though you enjoy playing this cruel game with me, constantly taunting me. Quietly at first and then slowly, steadily, getting louder and gaining more strength. This gives you power over me. I do not like the feelings you bring with you either. You bring your awful, horrible, mean-spirited friends. Shame, Guilt, Denial, Fear, Sadness and Anger. These are NOT my friends! Please leave them outside the next time you wish to come inside and speak with me. I can hear you in my thoughts and feel you in different parts of my body. You make me very nervous and make me want to isolate more so others do not see you. It’s as though I almost want to protect you from others’ prying eyes and questioning looks. I do not want to hear the cluck of pity coming from another as they see me crying or shaking because I just can’t stand your overbearing presence anymore. You make me very tired and feel lonely. You make me want to scream sometimes because of the jitters that flow through my body when I try to control you. I am tired when I have to accept your friend, Denial, to try and pretend I am feeling better than I actually am in that moment. All this does is encourage Shame and Guilt to join in. Then Fear sneaks in. Once this happens my whole body tightens and it becomes so much harder to breathe. I feel as though I’ve somehow failed as a human. That somehow life is much harder to live because you’ve decided to come and stay and make your presence known on a daily basis. I try to find ways to ignore you or keep you at bay. However when I do this it’s honestly like I am running a marathon in my mind and you’re chasing closely behind me until I crash, exhausted, and feeling badly beaten. I would greatly prefer to be friends. Is this even possible? I do not believe you are meant to leave me completely. In some part I believe I created you, but you grew so much bigger and faster than I could ever have imagined… or apparently, can “handle”.

For now all I ask is that when you want my attention for something, could you please be a little more gentle? Could you whisper in my ear instead of shouting and slamming your fists on my forehead while you kick me in the stomach simultaneously? This would allow me a chance to better respond from a place of understanding, compassion, and more self-love. I do hope we can find a way to compromise because I really am so tired of the fighting and the exhaustion that inevitably follows. I can better respond to you, and you to me, if we set some boundaries. What do you say, Anxiety? Do you want to shake on it, or continue to throw us both into tantrums? 

Let me know.

Hugs,

Me.

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** 2023 update**

I used to have an old blog a few years back that was mostly about anxiety. It was during the time I was off and on again with my social work job and going through major hoops with disability insurance. I found that by creating my blog I was able to feel less isolated. I have decided to keep some of the posts from that blog and put them on this website because I do think it’s important for me to see how far I’ve come since then. I have not changed the above post because I think it’s important to keep it as is… it’s easy to see and feel the energies I felt at that time. I do remember being so anxious one day just getting a tire changed and having to call my hypnotherapist from the parking lot crying… because it was an unexpected car expense and at the time I felt like my world just kept crashing around me. She was so kind and helped me get my breathing back to normal and feel strong enough to get the repair done. However, I was crying and shaking in a parking lot!! Not my finest moment… but I am proud of myself for living through that. I also know there are others out there who have panic attacks and it can be very scary… especially if feel judged because of it. So I’m here to say I’ve got you! You ARE strong! You ARE amazing! You WILL get through this!! Bravo to you for being here!!

This post is mainly a reminder to me about where I’ve come from and to respect my need to isolate to recharge… but do so on my terms, and not because Mr Anxiety is trying to make me feel embarrassed or ashamed for having feelings and fears. I’m still a human being… and a stronger and braver one today than I was yesterday, and even more so than a few years back. So to all those reading this post, thank you for being you! Please take a bow!! And remind your Mr Anxieties to back the hell off!!

Lots of love, hugs, and light.

Brandy Marie